Cobra Starship: Alex/Ryland, Sessions
TITLE: Sessions
AUTHOR: glitter_my_glam
PAIRING: Alex Suarez/Ryland Blackinton
GENRE: Slash
PROMPT: 045. Doctor
RATING: NC-17
WORD COUNT: 7,047
SUMMARY: After years of being apart, Alex and Ryland reconnect. But he isn't the same Ryland from Alex's childhood.
WARNINGS: Just gay sexxin.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own nothin'.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Jiminy Christmas, this took me forever to write! With work and school and trying to maintain a social life, this badboy took me about a month to complete. And yes, I know Ryland seems out of character at first but...well, just stick with it. You'll understand. Written for the bandom 100 meme, see my table hither.



“I used to have this friend named Ryland,” Alex began. “When I was a kid. Well, we met when I was a kid, we were friends for years, until he left for college.”

Dr. Page looked up from her notepad, green eyes studying him from behind her glasses. “Oh?” She had to let Alex talk at his own pace, but she was already curious as to why the man had brought it up. Ever since he started coming to her their sessions were nothing but Alex talking, telling long, rambling tales of anything and everything. He never asked for advice, never sought to discuss problems or highly emotional situations. He just told stories. Often long, often inconsequential, but interesting nonetheless. Sometimes they would start with a useless fact and end with Alex revealing something about himself, something he himself didn’t really realize. Those were her favorite stories.

“Yeah,” he mused, adjusting in the armchair. No stereotypically tacky couches here, just big, comfy chairs you could get lost in forever. “We were mega close. He was like…this tall, lanky guy, the last time I saw him he was probably six four. Really dry sense of humor, sarcastic but not in a mean way…he was great.”

Dr. Page nodded, writing the name “Ryland” and a question mark down on her pad. “He was your best friend?” she asked, tucking back a strand of hair that had fallen out of her sensible pony tail. She had the look of a professional; small, peering eyes with wrinkles around the edges, a thin, pretty face, and shoulder length gray hair that was always pulled back, always.

“Yeah,” Alex smiled, adjusting so he was sideways in the chair, legs dangling over the side. “We did everything together. Watched movies, played videogames, started pickup kickball tournaments in our neighborhood. And like, as ridiculous as being a teenager is, like, how confusing it gets? It was a lot less lame and awkward because I had him there with me.”

“You said you lost contact when he went to college?”

“Yeah,” Alex sighed, sinking deeper into the chair. “I guess I just…didn’t try hard enough? I think about it all the time. I feel like I lost the best friend I ever had because I got lazy. Like, I regret it a lot.”

“Alex, you can’t let regret own you,” Dr. Page advised. “If you spend all your time thinking about what you missed out on, you’re not going to see opportunities available to you NOW.”

Alex brought his hand up to his mouth, chewing his fingernail as he thought this over. He finally nodded, conceding. “He was the first person I ever loved,” he said softly, more to himself then to her. It wasn’t a revelation, he’d known since back in the old days with Ryland. It had always been a dark cloud hanging over him, the intense knowledge that he desperately wanted his best friend. It had tinged his teenage years with a bittersweet regret that carried over into his adult life, into his relationships, into all his failed attempts at starting businesses or restaurants.

“Do you identify yourself as gay?” Dr. Page asked, writing something in her notebook.

Alex eyed the book curiously, wondering what she could be saying about him. “No. I dig women, I’ve never had sex with a guy, or wanted to. Ryland was the only guy I ever felt that way about. And it had nothing to do with the fact that he was a guy, and everything to do with him being Ryland. I guess you’d have to meet him to understand.”

“No, I think I may,” she said. “Love isn’t always about lust, although that sometimes comes later. It’s about a deep personal connection, finding someone who you can truly be yourself around.”

“I like that,” Alex murmured. “I like how that sounds.”

She was about to respond when she noticed the clock on the wall. “I hate to say it, but time’s up Alex,” she sighed. “But you have my mobile number, so if you need to get anything off your chest you can call me, okay?”

Alex nodded, standing and grabbing his messenger. He knew she was sincere, Dr. Page was the good kind of therapist who didn’t try and blame everything on depression and shove pills down your throat. She loved her job because she loved people, loved hearing their stories and helping them through their rough times. Although he didn’t share her belief in God she never preached, and he was comforted by her suggestion that everyone was inherently good.

“I’ll call you if I have a low day,” he smiled. “Thanks Helen.” He walked over, kissing her cheek like he would his mother’s before walking out, heading out the heavy wooden door and onto the frigid New York street.

*

Alex watched Ryland put the last of his bags in his car, heart managing to sink into his stomach and lodge in his throat at the same time. “So…this is goodbye then?”

“This isn’t goodbye, fucker,” Ryland smiled, gently laying his guitar in the passenger seat of his crappy little Ford Taurus. “This is ‘I’ll see you when you get your ass to Tallahassee to visit.”

Alex managed a small, rueful laugh. “Soon man, soon.” He swallowed hard as Ryland shut the door, heart speeding up as the taller man stood before him. “So…”

“So,” Ryland agreed, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth. “I’ll call you when I get there, let you know I made it alright.”

Alex nodded, blinking hard to fight the tears that threatened to spill over. “I’m gonna miss you.” His heart felt leaden in his chest, like it may never beat again.

Ryland sighed, nodding. Alex took a slight comfort in the fact that he didn’t look too excited to leave him. “I’m going to miss you too, Suarez. I just…life would have been pretty fucking boring if you weren’t a part of it.”

Alex gave a small choking laugh, quickly wiping his eyes. “The same goes for you.” He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “You better go, traffic is going to get wicked if you don’t get out of here.”

The taller boy nodded, reluctance clear on his face. “Yeah, um…let me just…” After taking another breath to gear up his courage, Ryland leaned in and kissed Alex softly. “I’ll see you soon, okay?” he whispered before jumping into his car, pulling out and setting off into the bright Florida sun.

Alex ran home as fast as his bright red Chucks would take him. For the next three days he didn’t eat or move much, just laying in bed and wondering why life had to be so mother fucking hard.

*

He was thinking about Ryland again.

Alex had no idea where this sudden obsession came from, but it was starting to worry him. At night he often found himself staring up at the ceiling, hands behind his head as he wondered what the other man was up to with his life. He tried to imagine how the short but seemingly infinite amount of years since their last visit would have changed his looks, his interests, his attitudes. Did he have a girlfriend? Was he close with his parents, or his little brothers? Was he acting? Alex hoped so, even in high school Ryland had a natural talent. Some of his fondest memories were of tucking himself away in the back of the auditorium, watching Ry rehearse for whatever play he was currently working on.

Sometimes, on nights when he was so lonely and so hard and so needy, he found himself jerking off to a half formed idea of a person, one he used to know everything about but had slipped away. He would wrap his hand around his aching cock, squeezing and jerking his wrist in an attempt to ease the ache between his legs and in his heart. On nights like that he came hard and fast, a name on his lips that he couldn’t seem to get off of his mind.

“…oh fuck Ryland!”

*

Alex woke one bright, sunny New York morning to his apartment phone ringing. He figured it was a solicitor, since mostly everyone he knew just called his cell. The sun had somehow managed to make it past the building next door to creep into his room, splashing across his face. He snuggled deeper into the covers, yawning and closing his eyes as he listened to the machine come on.

“Hey, this is Suarez. Can’t come to the phone right now, you know what to do,” quickly followed by the long, obnoxious beep.

“Hi…Alex?” the voice on the machine said softly.

Alex sat up, eyes wide. He knew that voice. It had been years, but he knew it perfectly.

“Alex, this is Ryland,” he said softly. “Um…I was randomly thinking about you the other day-how weird is that?-and I really wanted to check up on you. So I…I called your mom, I hope that’s okay. She says you’re living in New York now?”

Alex was running for the phone, jumping over his coffee table and crashing into the wall the phone cradle was mounted on. He snatched the receiver up, hitting talk. “Ryland?” he panted, eyes huge.

There was a moment of stunned silence. “Suarez? Fuck man, is that you?” the voice on the other end asked. He could practically hear Ryland grinning through the phone.

“Yeah!” he laughed, eyes wide. “Oh my God, Ryland! Holy fuck man, how have you been?”

“Good, oh my God good!” Ryland laughed. “Look man, you’re not going to believe this…I asked your mom where you live now, right? Well she told me, Brooklyn, etcetera etcetera. So I ask her the address…Alex, I live down the fucking street from you.”

Alex nearly dropped the phone, he was so stunned. “Ryland…you’re bullshitting me, right? You better not be messing with me, that would not be funny in the least.”

Ryland laughed hard. It was the greatest thing Alex had heard in a long time. “No man, I SWEAR. Seventy-two Smith Street, I live in those shitty run down apartments above the Laundromat.”

“Holy fuck,” Alex breathed. “Well…what are you doing right now? Can you come over?”

“Fuck yeah,” Ryland responded, grinning. “I just need to shower, so I don’t look like shit when I see my long lost best friend Alex fucking Suarez.”

Alex’s face hurt, he was smiling so hard. “Yeah man, I’ll see you in a few minutes. You said my mom gave you my address?”

“Yeah, she did,” Ryland assured him. “I’ll see you in a few man, I’m stoked.”

*

Dr. Page looked at him wide eyed, notepad lying forgotten on the floor. “What to you mean, he called?”

Alex grinned, sitting on the armchair, legs folded. “He called! Like, three days after I told you about him, he called. It turns out he’s living down the street from me, Dr. Page.”

“Wow,” she breathed. “Talk about fate. And you said you’ve been hanging out?”

Alex nodded, drumming his fingertips on the arm of the chair. “Yeah, it’s been great. I mean, the same old stuff, we fell right back into how we used to be.” It was true. The last two nights were spent playing Guitar Hero, watching old movies on TCM, and eating Alex’s cooking (which Ryland was over the moon about. He had never had a friend who could cook like that).

“Have any of your feelings returned for him?” she asked delicately, taking her glasses off and polishing them with the corner of her cardigan.

“Um…yeah,” Alex said softly, looking down.

“Have you thought about discussing this with him?”

“No! Oh God no,” he stammered, eyes wide. “I mean, he has a girlfriend now. And I just got him back into my life, I can’t scare him off already.”

“Alex, I can’t force you into anything, you know that. But I don’t like you bottling things up.”

The young man shrugged, not meeting her eyes. “I’ll figure it out. I’ll think of something, I just…I don’t know yet.”

*

It turns out the situation presented itself, with obnoxious clarity. Ryland came by one night a few weeks later, hands shoved in his pockets, head hanging low. Usually he stood with a mellow confidence, but it was clearly gone as he slinked into Alex’s apartment, throwing himself onto the couch.

“What’s wrong man?” the shorter of the two asked softly, sitting next to him.

“She left,” Ryland said, voice barely audible as he stared blankly at the coffee table. His hair was a mess (clean, but all over the place) and he was scruffy, wearing a simple white undershirt and khaki shorts.

Alex looked stunned, finding his glasses and putting them on. “What?”

“She left,” he repeated dully. “She LEFT, Alex. She just…fucking took her stuff, and she left.” He looked up, eyes bright with unshed tears. “I don’t know if there was another guy, or I’m just not good looking enough, or if I’m too awkward or boring or WHAT, but she left me.”

Alex sat, taking the shaking man into his arms. Reflexively he breathed deep, filling his lungs with the spicy scent of Ryland’s cologne. “It’s definitely not the last three, I can tell you that much,” he said softly. “You’re more graceful then you think, and there’s no way you’re boring. God, no one makes me laugh like you. And you’re absolutely not ugly Ryland, you’re beautiful.” His eyes widened slightly when he realized how that sounded. “Erm…what I mean is, you’re a good looking guy. You have a different look to you, it’s really cool.”

Ryland sat up, studying Alex closely. “Do you really think so?”

Alex knew Ryland had picked up on the oddness of his statement. He had that churning, leaden feeling that usually denoted that you were fucked, the jig was up. “Yeah, of course. I mean, you’re not ugly by any stretch of the imagination. Even I can see that, and I’m a dude,” he added, hoping it sounded believable.

Ryland bit his lip, studying his face. “Alex…can I…do you remember the day I left for FSU?”

Alex nodded weakly, fully aware of where this was going.

“Remember how I kissed you?” Ryland’s voice was unnaturally soft. He never spoke very loud to begin with, but this was quiet even for him.

“I…do,” Alex choked. His lips suddenly felt very dry, and he wanted to get off of the couch, put space between he and Ryland.

Ryland close the distance between them, blue eyes burning into Alex’s brown. “Can I kiss you again?”

Alex didn’t think. Not a single synapse reacted, he spoke on reflex. “Yes.” He said it so quickly that he ended up hissing the last consonant. Something in the back of his head was screaming, “REBOUND,” and flailing it’s arms, but he quickly bitchslapped it into submission.

Ryland looked at him, eyes heavy lidded as he licked his full, pink lips. After a moment he took Alex by the shoulders, leaning in to meet him halfway and kissing him hard.

It wasn’t anything like the kiss before Ryland left. That one was chaste, sweet, a bittersweet goodbye. This one was ferocious. It was desperate, and needy, and to Alex it tasted suspiciously like needing to forget. But he wanted Ryland, he wanted him so badly. Instead of pulling away, comforting his friend, talking about his lost love and how he would move on he let Ryland shove his tongue into his mouth, moaning as they both fought for dominance.

After a moment Ryland pulled away, moving to kiss along Alex’s jawbone, stubbly from his lack of shaving that day. “Can we move into your room?” he whispered, breath ghosting over the shorter man’s ear.

“Yes.” Another knee-jerk response from Alex. He was alarmed to find out that his body and his conscience were at war. While in his head he knew Ryland just needed comfort, needed to be shown love, he had wanted to other man for so long. Since childhood. And while he knew it might be a comfort fuck, he WANTED to give Ryland comfort. He wants to take him to bed, make him feel amazing, whisper sweetly into his ear until Ryland came and forgot the world. He wanted to make him forget the pain.

They were already half out of their clothing by the time they hit the bed, kissing like the last oxygen on earth was to be shared between them. Ryland held Alex’s hips down, roughly grinding his own against them.

Alex gasped, sparks going off in his brain. “Oh my God, Ryland!” He reached up, trying desperately to yank his underwear down. Ryland grinned, pulling away to finish stripping. Alex looked on wide eyed, enthralled as the taller man’s leaking cock bobbed between his legs. He had never been attracted to men before, but seeing Ryland naked made him ache in a way he couldn’t wrap his mind around.

“I need you so bad Alex,” he moaned, leaning down to kiss him again. “Fuck, suck me off?”

Alex nodded, whimpering. After a moment of awkward adjusting he was knelt between Ryland’s legs, taking his first taste of cock. It was much better then he assumed, salty and tangy and…masculine. He ran his tongue from the base to the tip, moaning at the soft choking noises Ryland was making. Encouraged, he went right for it.

His form wasn’t great, and he didn’t think to use his hands until Ryland begged him too, but he made up for inexperience with enthusiasm. He started by sloppily kissing along the shaft, swollen lips sliding wetly along the smooth skin of Ryland’s shaft. Once he reached the tip he took the head between his lips, sucking gently. He tried to keep in mind all the things he knew he liked personally, wanting Ryland to enjoy receiving as much as he was enjoying giving.

Ryland seemed to be enjoying himself. He was writhing helplessly on the bed, trying to remember not to thrust into Alex’s mouth while pretty much forgetting everything else he had ever known. He slid his fingers through the other man’s soft brown hair, gasping and moaning and grunting nonsense words as his head spun.

After a while Alex pulled off, flicking his tongue firmly over Ryland’s slit. “Need you to come. Fuck, please?” he choked, eyes heavy lidded as he worked the shaft with his hand.

Ryland nodded frantically, biting his lip hard. “Almost…I’m gonna…oh God, oh my fucking God!” With a jerk and a moan he was shooting hard into Alex’s hand, body arching and tensing. Alex watched, enthralled at the sticky mess of come on Ryland’s chest and stomach.

Once Ryland had come down they looked at each other for a long moment, completely silent. Alex felt that familiar churning again, and for some reason he wanted to cry, as much of a pussy as that would make him.

“Um…” Ryland slid out of bed, gathering his clothes. “I think I should go.” He dressed quickly, stepping into his shoes and finger combing his hair. “I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”

“Yeah, um…I’ll talk to you later,” Alex choked, feeling ill. He looked down at his rapidly softening cock, heart twinging as he heard his apartment door open and shut.

*

“And he just left?”

Alex nodded miserably, staring at the floor. “He just left. I was just sitting there, half naked, probably looking like a complete fucking jackass while he walked out the door. Excuse my language.”

Dr. Page sighed deeply, shaking her head. “And has he tried to contact you since then?”

“Yeah,” Alex said dully. “He’s just been acting like nothing happened, coming over to play video games and eat dinner with me and shit like that. I’ve just gone along with it, I don’t want a big argument.”

“Alex,” she said in a low voice, eyebrows raised.

“I know, I know,” he grunted, frustrated. “I’m not supposed to bottle things in. But I don’t care what happened, I’m not going to lose him again. I waited years to see him, and now he’s back in my life, and I’m not going to be the one to screw that up.”

Dr. Page sighed, shaking her head. “Oh, Alex.”

*

Alex opened the door, forcing a casual smile as he let Ryland in. “Hey man. What’s going on?”

Ryland stalked in, six feet five inches of rain cloud. “She just stopped by to get all of her shit.”

“What?” Alex frowned, pushing his glasses up on his nose.

“Yeah,” he snorted, kicking his shoes off and throwing his sweater on the couch. “She stopped by to get her stuff. And the whole time she was repeating all the cliché bullshit breakup lines. Apparently it’s not me, it’s her. And she wants to stay friends. And she still loves me dearly. And we’re just different people from the kids who met at a costume party and danced for the first time to Peter Gabriel,” he said, voice bitter.

Alex suddenly felt an extraordinary amount of guilt. The whole previous week he had been thinking bitter, angry thoughts about Ryland, feeling used and strung along. What he had forgotten was that Ryland was hurt, and sometimes that made people stupid. “I’m so fucking sorry,” he sighed, rubbing Ryland’s back. “I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. She’s a fucking fool, she doesn’t realize what she’s losing.”

Ryland sighed, looking at the floor. “I just…feel so lonely,” he murmured, shaking his head.

“You’re not alone,” Alex said firmly. “You have me. And you always will, so none of that alone bullshit.”

Ryland bit his lip, looking up at Alex from under his eyelashes. “I’m really lucky to have you, Suarez.” He slid a bit closer on the couch, biting his lip.

“None of that,” Alex replied, blushing. “I’m just glad I can be here for you, and make you feel better.”

Ryland nodded, moving his hand so it was resting on Alex’s thigh. “You do make me feel better, Alex. More then you could possibly know.” With that he leaned in, softly pressing those lips, those fucking lips, against the other man’s.

This time Alex had the good sense to pull away, resting a hand on Ryland’s chest. “Ryland man, this isn’t a good idea,” he stammered, eyes wide. He wanted nothing more then to lick his way into Ryland’s mouth, suck him off, let the taller man fuck him, make him come, do whatever he wanted, but he knew it wasn’t in their best interests. “Look, I know you’re hurt, and I’m so fucking sorry, but I just don’t want you to do anything you’d-“

“Please,” Ryland cut him off, taking Alex’s hand off of his chest. He brought it up to his mouth, kissing his palm before nibbling and licking at his fingertips. “Please don’t stop me?” His voice was low and soft, almost desperate. “I just…I just need to know someone cares about me right now, I need to know someone loves me…”

Alex moaned softly, head spinning. How exactly was he supposed to argue with that? Fuck, fucking sexy Ryland and his fucking lips and sexy fucking body. “Come on,” he panted, standing. “We’re going to my bedroom, and I better fucking come this time.”

Ryland laughed, limping painfully from the erection as he followed. “Yeah, um…sorry about that. I promise, you can even come on my face this time if you want to,” he grinned.

“That’s just weird,” Alex snorted, undressing. “Come here.” Ryland obeyed, their mouths meeting in a frenzied clash of lips and tongues. Ryland grabbed Alex by the hips, pulling his naked body close and rubbing their hips together. “Can I fuck you?” he panted desperately.

“I, um…” Alex looked startled, actually needing to think on it for a moment. He knew anal would hurt, but he was hard as hell and desperate to have the other man as close as possible. After a long moment he nodded, biting his lip. “Yeah. Do you have a condom?”

“Fuck, um…” Ryland grabbed his wallet, thumbing through with a hopeful look on his face. Finally he gave a triumphant “hah!” pulling out the little foil square. “Lube, or lotion, or something?”

“Yeah, I have that,” Alex laughed breathlessly. He went to his bedside table, pulling a small bottle of lotion out of the drawer. “Wanking stash.”

“Right, of course,” Ryland grinned, stripping. “Lay down on the bed, however your comfortable, I guess.”

Alex nodded, whimpering at the sight of Ryland’s erection. He decided to lay on his stomach, pillow under his hips so his ass was slightly in the air. “Like this?”

“Fuck yeah,” Ryland choked, reaching down to palm his own hard-on. “Just like that. Tell me if I do anything that hurts too much, okay?” Once Alex nodded he set to work, getting him ready.

It was slow going, and it hurt, but Alex couldn’t stop the needy little moans and whimpers that kept tearing themselves from his lips. One, then two, then fucking three fingers, all pushing and probing and stretching and filling. And then Ryland hit that spot, that beautiful spot, and Alex saw God. He writhed, pushing his cock against the soft pillow under him, moaning his friend’s name over and over.

Ryland looked up, wide eyed. “Did that feel good?”

“Fuck yes it fucking felt fucking good,” Alex hissed, trying to force himself further onto Ryland’s fingers. “Do it again, please man…”

Ryland nodded, repeating the action. He rubbed his fingertips over the little bundle of nerves, licking his lips. “Can’t wait to fuck you, Suarez,” he panted. “It’s going to be fucking legendary.”

Alex moaned, nodding frantically. “Fuck yeah, do it, do it now,” he begged, eyes shut tight.

The next bit of time was a blur to Alex. He remembered being nervous, and the little tearing sound as Ryland opened the condom wrapper. Then there was pain. Burning, intense, unforgettable pain, that somehow managed to feel so fucking perfect and amazing, all at the same time. His fingers clutched desperately at the sheets underneath him, his toes curling as he tried to relax.

He couldn’t really keep track of how long it took. It felt like minutes, it felt like days, it felt like years. Despite the nagging guilt in the pit of his stomach he couldn’t help the way his cock throbbed and leaked between his legs, the way he moaned desperately, chanting Ryland’s name over and over. The build-up was slow and steady, and when he finally toppled over the edge he saw stars. With a cry he shot onto the pillow under his hips, leaving him laying on his own sticky mess on the bed.

“Ah…gonna…fuck, just a little more,” Ryland grunted behind him, continuing the steady push-pull-push-pull with his hips. After a few more thrusts he was coming, moaning, babbling, spilling into the condom deep inside the other man. “Fuck yes, Alex!” he groaned, slumping spent on top of his friend.

It took them a few moments to recover, laying in the hazy evening sunlight filtering through Alex’s window. Both men lay in total silence, panting hard as they tried to regain their breath and their senses.

“So um…did you like it?” Alex asked nervously, glancing over.

Ryland gave a small nod, not looking over. “Yeah, it was good.”

Alex sighed, that familiar miserably feeling returning. “You’re closing off again, Ryland.” He sat up, biting his lip. “Please, please don’t get all distant on me again.”

Ryland shook his head, still not meeting Alex’s gaze. “Alex, I just…I don’t know if that was such a good idea…”

Something snapped in Suarez’s brain. All those years of loving Ryland, all those years of missing him, all those years of wishing he would come back into his life. And now Ryland was ruining everything by being a fucking moron, and Alex couldn’t take it. He got up, pulling his boxers on before throwing Ryland’s clothes at the startled looking musician.

“Get out,” he spat. “I don’t care where you go, I don’t care what you do, but get out of my fucking apartment.”

Ryland looked up, eyes huge. “Alex man, you don’t have to get angry…”

Alex looked at him, eyes the size of dinner plates. “Don’t have to…don’t have to get angry?” he repeated, incredulous. “I don’t have to fucking get angry? Fuck you!” he shouted. “Your solution to your girlfriend leaving you is to fucking use me to get your rocks off, and I’m fucking tired of it! Here I was, so fucking happy to see you after all these years. Not only that, but I still fucking love you like I did in high school. For fucking five seconds I got to believe that maybe you felt the same way, that maybe you had feelings for me this whole time, but then I come to find out you’re just a fucking asshole,” he shouted.

Ryland’s face was a mixture of hurt, shame, and indignation. “Alex, don’t do this,” he begged, standing and dressing quickly. “Please, I can’t lose you too. Please.”

Alex looked at him, eyes narrow. “Call me when you stop being a fucking douche, Ryland.”

*

“So…you kicked him out?”

Alex nodded miserably, curled up on Dr. Page’s arm chair as they talked. “Yeah. I just…snapped. Like, I couldn’t even look at him anymore, I was so mad.”

Helen nodded, pushing her glasses up. “Has he tried to contact you since then?”

“Yes,” Alex muttered. “He keeps leaving messages on my phone, but I’ve just been deleting them without listening. I’m just…not in the mood, you know? It’s just going to be the same bullshit as the LAST time this happened. And then it’ll just happen again, and again, and again. I’m not going to be a victim.”

“Maybe you should hear him out, Alex,” Helen suggested softly.

“I’ve given him plenty of chances to explain himself, I think,” he said coldy. “More like chances to prove himself. And he let me down every fucking time.”

“Language,” she chastised softly.

“Sorry,” he muttered. “But I’m done. Apparently it just wasn’t meant to be. If he wants to grovel MAYBE we’ll be friends again, but that’s as far as it will ever go.” He looked away quickly, not wanting her to see the tears in his eyes.

“Alex dear, all I’m saying is-“ Helen was cut off by a sharp knock on the door. “What on earth?” she frowned. “Brenda knows we’re in the middle of sessions…” She looked at Alex wide eyed as the knocking got more persistent, as if someone were banging the side of the fist against the door.

“You can get it,” Alex said dully. “Seems important.”

Helen sighed, shaking her head. “I’m so sorry, dear. Let me…let me just make sure it’s not an emergency, alright? I don’t want to ignore it if the building is on fire or something.” She put her notebook down, getting up and slowly opening the door. “What?” she asked, tersely.

Ryland looked down at the fierce looking woman. “I’m…I’m really sorry, but I’m looking for someone and I thought they might be here, and I needed to check…”

Alex looked up, eyes wide. “Jesus Christ Ryland, what the hell are you doing here?”

Ryland’s face showed obvious relief when he realized Alex was there. “Look, I’m sorry,” he stammered. “I’m sorry for barging in like this, but I needed to see you.”

Helen looked between them, eyes wide. “This…is not exactly honoring patient confidentiality.”

Alex pushed a shaking hand through his hair, looking exhausted. “Dr. Page…do you mind if I skip out on you? I’m sorry, I know it’s really rude, but…”

“Alex, dear,” she chuckled. “This is something you need to take care of. Go on.”

Alex nodded, giving her a tight hug before slowly following Ryland out. He looked anywhere but the other man’s face, hands shoved in his pockets. “Well?”

“Can we go get dinner, or something? Somewhere with booths, so we can talk,” the taller man replied, face drawn. It wasn’t the usual smiling, witty Ryland. It was a new Ryland, one whose worried expression came from the knowledge that he might lose the most important person in his life.

Alex stopped, shaking his head. “Ryland…no. I don’t think that’s a great idea.”

“Please, Alex,” Ryland choked. Alex was startled to see his eyes welling up. “Please. Just eat dinner with me. Let’s talk. Then if you want I’ll never talk to you again, okay?”

The bassist finally acquiesced, which is how they came to the small Italian restaurant, tucked away in a corner booth.

“Well?” he said tersely. “Talk.”

Ryland was staring silently down at the table, twisting his napkin in his hands. “Alex…I’m really fucking sorry.”

“Yeah, so I heard.”

“No, I just…I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking,” he choked, face contorted as he tried to organize his thoughts. “I just…I love you. I honestly do. And I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking, you know? I just…I knew how I felt about you before she even broke up with me. I think you picked up on it, if I’m telling the truth.” He shook his head, running his fingers through his shaggy hair. “And then there you were, and we were…doing stuff. But then we’d be done and I’d be afraid you’d think it was a rebound, and I’d get scared and take off.”

Alex was still closed-off, but his face was less cold. “Don’t you get that that’s exactly what you did? Treated me like a rebound?”

“I never, NEVER intended that,” he said, eyes huge. “Never once. I promise, Alex. And fuck, I KNOW I’ve been stupid. Please believe me when I say I know that. I just…how the fuck can I ask for another chance without sounding like a fucking tool?”

“You can’t, not really,” Alex said, face soft. “You’re just lucky I’ve known you forever, so I’m USED to you being a fucking tool.” His heart fluttered at the hope that lit up Ryland’s face.

“Look, we’ll take it slow,” the other man said quickly. “I swear, if you want to just date or what the fuck ever, we’ll do it. No sex until you want it. I want to prove to you I’m in it for you, not just your cock.”

Alex closed his eyes, turning the offer over in his mind. He couldn’t deny how he wanted Ryland, how he always had. He also couldn’t deny that while he had been hurt, he honestly believed his friend really did love him. “So…you’re willing to give up sex until I decide it’s time?”

Ryland nodded eagerly, eyes wide and face tense. “It’s completely in your hands.”

Alex stared intently at the table, mind going a mile a minute. “So…” he said slowly, lips curling into a smile. “Want to come over to my place and watch some Willow after dinner?”

Ryland beamed, face lighting up. “Fuck yeah. You know how much I love Warwick Davis.”

*

“So wait, you’re saying Madmartigan is supposed to represent society as a whole?”

“Totally,” Ryland said, nodding sagely. He was laying with his head on Alex’s lap, intently watching the TV. “He starts out callous and cold, thinking of only his own freedom, right? He’s willing to make any promise to get out of his prison, which is why he accepts caring for the baby, which he doesn’t really give a shit about.”

“Is this argument going to take much longer? I can’t hear Willow,” Alex asked wryly, grinning.

It had been three weeks and six viewings of said movie since the talk in the restaurant. True to his word, Ryland hadn’t pursued Alex’s carnal goods, content to just BE with him. They had since gone on three bike rides, taken four walks through the park, cooked four meals together (there would have been more, but Alex was annoyed by people trying to help him in the kitchen), and written one song that was really worth recording and putting on their demo album.

“Well if you’re not going to appreciate my critique, then I’m not going to give it,” Ryland said loftily, waving his hand. “I’ll keep my all-encompassing knowledge to myself.”

Alex grinned, pulling and pushing and adjusting until Ryland was sitting up next to him. “Here’s an idea,” he drawled, smirking. “How about…you shut the fuck up, and kiss me?”

“I don’t know, Suarez,” Ryland grinned, shrugging casually. “I vowed to myself to watch it once a week until I die. Something might come up tomorrow, and I have to fulfill my vow…”

“What if something comes up tonight?” Alex grinned, leaning over to kiss him softly.

Ryland smiled even wider, nipping at Alex’s lower lip. “Like what, Senor Suarez?”

“Like my cock?” he replied, smirking. He grabbed the DVD player remote, pausing the movie. “And we can always finish the movie, once we’ve come.”

“Sex, then Willow,” Ryland breathed. “I’ve never been more aroused.”

In a flash they were in the bedroom, kissing and touching and slowly undressing. It wasn’t like the other times, frantic and needy and desperate. This had a quiet passion, a slow burning fuse that allowed them time to explore. There was time now, and no threat of regret or rejection that made every other kiss bitter and acrid on the lips. While his hands slowly unbuttoned Ryland’s shirt, stopping on occasion to stroke each new bit of exposed skin, his mouth explored his throat, long and pale and slightly stubbly.

When they made it to the bed, it resulted in Alex on top, his mouth hot and open against Ryland’s. They were moaning into each other’s mouths now, soft needy sounds that only served to make their cocks ache and twitch in their jeans.

“Fuck,” Alex panted, taking his glasses off and setting them on the bedside table. “Take your pants off?”

Ryland nodded, scrambling to obey. As usual his jeans were tight, and it took him a moment of struggling to peel them off of his long, skinny legs.

“You know, you COULD wear pants that fit,” Alex said fondly, obviously not serious.

“Don’t act like you don’t like being able to appreciate my dick while I’m fully dressed,” Ryland grinned, finally naked. “Come on, strip, Suavez.”

Alex laughed at the nickname, sliding off the bed so he could undress with easily. When they were both sans clothing he crawled back to Ryland, laying on top and pressing their bodies together.

“F-fuck,” Ryland choked, eyes fluttering shut. “Just having you this close is fucking orgasmic…”

Alex smirked, slowly rolling his hips so their cocks rubbed together. “Mmhmm?” he hummed slowly. “Feel good?”

“Shit yes,” he hissed, teeth clenched. “Ungh. Just like that, keep going baby.”

Alex continued to slowly thrust against the other man, head spinning. This was exactly it. What he’d wanted for so long. What he’d fucking PINED for. To have Ryland close, to KNOW Ryland loved him, to finally feel that satisfaction. It wasn’t just the sex, it was the way the other man was looking at him. Behind a curtain of curly brown hair that had fallen in his face, there was a fiery need in Ryland’s eyes. Not once did he look away from Alex’s face, apart from when the pleasure was just so damn good that he threw his head back to gasp and moan. Alex took the opportunity to nip and suck at the column of his throat, earning another series of moans.

“A-are we going to come like this?” Ryland gasped, voice practically a whine. His normally pale skin was flushed with arousal, and it was clear that he was unraveling.

“You tell me,” Alex purred, breath ghosting hot over Ryland’s cheek. “Do you want to come like this?”

“Ungh, I don’t fuckin…I just want to…yes, yes please!” Ryland finally managed to choke out, wild and desperate. “Just want to come!”

Alex reached down, closing his fingers around both of their erections, squeezing slightly as he continued to thrust and rock. “Then come, Ryland,” he panted, voice strained. “Come, need to see it, see h-how beautiful you look when you fucking l-let go…”

Ryland managed a tense nod, planting his feet on the bed and bouncing his hips up in an attempt to make Alex go faster. “Just…ungh gotta…fuck I need…ah!” He continued to babble helplessly, thighs tensing, stomach tightening. Alex could pinpoint the exact moment before he came, where his face became so taught, and his body was humming. With a sharp cry the taller man finally shot into Alex’s hand, come spurting lazily onto Alex’s hand and both men’s cocks.

Ryland’s body was practically heaving as he came down slightly, still rolling his hips for his lover’s sake. “Fuck, come on Suarez. Fucking come for me, you’re so fucking perfect, please, I love you…”

That did it for Alex. He spilled into his own hand, moaning Ryland’s name as his eyes screwed shut of his own volition. He was floating. He was drowning. He was on fucking fire. All because of Ryland, because Ryland LOVED him. They fucking loved each other, and it was perfect, and it all felt too good.

After a few quiet moments of recovery they lay together, grinning like a couple of lovesick teenagers who had gotten into their parents wine coolers and given each other their first handjobs. Ryland kept making stupid jokes, Alex couldn’t stop laughing like they were the funniest things he’s ever heard. After a moment the taller man propped himself on his elbow, studying Alex’s face.

“At the risk of sounding like a total gay, I love you. You know that, right?”

Alex grinned, eyes closed and stretching. “I know. I love you too.” His lips curled into an even wider smile as he felt Ryland’s warm lips pressed against his own.

“Good to know, Suarez. Good to know. Now, let’s go finish Willow, I’ve been thinking of Warwick Davis this entire time.”

Alex laughed, hitting him hard with a pillow before following him, naked and smiling into the living room.